Hello, My Name Is Failure
For those who follow me and are always checking up to see what I’m up to or even those of you who are just stopping by, first I just want to say “Yo, whattup?” *nonchalant nod* Secondly, thanks for taking the time and letting your curiosity lead you here.
If you are wondering why there hasn’t been any new content in quite some time, there’s a simple answer….
I’ve been busy.
I’ve been busy breaking.
I’ve been busy licking wounds.
I’ve been busy running on barely enough energy to lend towards my creative side.
I’ve been busy failing.
Whoa, Suz… you just went from zero to 100 real fast…
Well, yes. That’s me in a nutshell. Hi. Hello. Konichiwa.
But it’s true. I’m a failure. However, this isn’t a pity post by any means. For some, this may be a post with too much information. We spend so much time scrolling through social media seeing happy, successful, attractive people and wonder why we weren’t born to such a blessed standard. It’s rare to see anything that reveals the fact that everyone has their down days (or weeks/months/years). It’s hard to see what truth there is behind the filters and smiles, yet so easy to get caught up in comparing yourself with the life (whatever that means to you).
It takes energy to fake happiness or success and no matter how much time you spend faking it, the truth will always catch up whether you want it to or not. This is why I’m taking the time now to practice mindful honesty with myself, my loved ones, and my followers.
I don’t want to hide it anymore. As an artist and overall creative person, I am constantly vulnerable and as a human being I am constantly building walls to protect that vulnerability. I did not want to feel vulnerable. So far, over the past few years, that’s proved to be counterintuitive. Those walls that I’ve built did not prevent me from feeling any inevitable pain, but it did stop me from having synchronism within myself. I lost my spark, and therefore, inspiration and will.
Time slipped by and before I knew it, I had gotten nothing done. The more time that I saw go by with nothing (or not the amount that I wanted) to show for it, the more I mentally scolded myself about wasting that time and dug myself into a deeper hole of low self esteem. If I didn’t see it, then I wouldn’t nag myself, and I wouldn’t feel that fear and regret. I began to avoid it all together. My creative muscles became weak.
I wanted everything right then and there. I thought I didn’t have much time left. As woman, I’m told, verbally and subliminally, that I didn’t have much time. Get everything done while you’re young, pretty, and useful. I rushed into many things. I was hungry for everything. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking that there are deadlines and only one set of rules to follow.
This is not to say that having goals and deadlines are completely unhealthy. It’s okay in moderation. We all need something to work towards. But don’t get so caught up in the process that you lose yourself.
I chased after old dreams and was set on one straight-and-narrow path. I had a wonderful partner who supported me and briefly not a care in the world. Things went well for a while. I couldn’t believe the life I was living. I was a small-town girl who had made it to the big city to finally live my life. It was picturesque. I thought I had it made. For the first time in a long while, I was fearless.
I got caught in the trap of pressure and time. I was also caught in the trap of expectations, that of others’ and my own. I was caught way before the big city move and had no idea. It took me a long time to figure it out. When I thought that I had hit rock-bottom, I was continuously proven that there was a level lower.
Throughout this experience, I lost great loves and connections, but by grace, have been able to welcome new ones and welcome back old ones. Losing people is always painful, but when you lose partners who were so engraved into your personal foundation, it feels like your limbs have been torn off. The ground beneath you crumbles and you are turned inside out.
People were and are so important to me that I bent over backwards to please them and keep them in my life. Pretending and even fooling myself that it was all okay. It was to my twisted understanding that not doing so meant that I was not doing EVERYTHING possible for others and that in itself was selfish. Being selfish is wrong. Trying to undo that philosophy that I had practiced my whole life was incredibly hard. Now I’m learning the art of letting go. Letting go does not always mean loss, but it is never guaranteed that they will come back. However, if you are in the right set of mind, when and if they do re-enter, it’s an amazing feeling. A warm, calm, serendipitous feeling.
It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in people and in circumstances. It’s like getting swept away by a strong current. We forget ourselves. We forget to take time to really know ourselves. To consult our intuition. Sometimes you need to update yourself ON YOURSELF, because people change and grow. That’s okay. That’s more than okay. You’re doing fine, kid.
What’s the point of this long-winded post?
I had a lot to lose. I was scared of losing everything and so I held on tight, maybe too tight. I have felt loss and desperation. I have felt numb to anything remotely positive for fear of losing that too. I have felt incredibly hollow and alone. I knew that the continuous challenges that I had faced (in such a short amount of time) was something that I needed to go through.
Coming to terms with that has brought me a strange calm and joy. I finally feel like I’m being picked back up. I had fallen to a mould that was supposed to keep my emotionally and mentally safe, and it failed. There is nothing left to do except be myself and be honest with myself and others. Now that I feel this rebirth, I’ve learned to enjoy my work and life again. I’ve learned to remind myself that while things take time, I don’t need to rush it. Let things fall as they may. I would have never learned this had I not failed. I’m excited to reintroduce myself to the world.
And as cheesy as it sounds, this is the truthiest of truths that I’ve experienced….
You have nothing to fear except fear itself.